Why Is This Happening To Me?! Again?! (30 Second Read).

Why Is This Happening To Me?! Again?! (30 Second Read).

“I train hard every day at the gym, but I’m still not losing weight.”- Rewarding yourself with cake for gyming every day, isn’t a good idea. 

“Why did I fall for that April Fool’s Day joke?”- It’s better to be fooled on April 1st, than the other days of the year, when you don’t have an excuse for being easily duped. 

“My wallet won’t close, because I have too much money in it.”- People with this problem are called taxi drivers and doubles vendors. If you are neither, you simply have too many coins in your wallet.

“A girl said ‘Netflix and Chill’ to me and when I replied ‘Sherlock’, she never spoke to me again.”- You vs. Benedict Cumberbatch. No science of deduction needed there. 

“My goal was obviously onside.”- Was your linesman a Jamaican? 

“He accuses me of being unfaithful.”- He probably got his information from here : ‘Dem Does Horn’ Bad Thing Part 4. https://youtu.be/9g-vlNWRaac

“She told everyone I cheated on her!”- The CD guy sold her a disc with this song on it : ‘Danger- Man Does Horn Too.’ https://youtu.be/yidoBeaYaEM

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Why Is This Happening To Me?! (1 Minute Read).

Why Is This Happening To Me?! (1 Minute Read).

Got soaked in the rain? You are probably a natural wet t-shirt model.

Got dumped with the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line? It’s definitely them. 

Got cheated on? No biggie. It’s good when the trash can take itself out. 

Can’t get to work on time? Real work only starts when you get there, since you are the most competent employee. Everyone else has breakfast while waiting on you.

Car stalls or gets a flat tyre in the middle of a traffic jam? Your embarrassment threshold instantly levels up. (+100 points). 

The boss always picks on you at work? Someone has to do their job for them or their incompetence starts to show.

Coming down with the virus? That wet T-shirt contest probably wasn’t a great idea.

Broke before pay day? Try falling in love again with all the stuff you bought after your last pay day.

Failed an exam? It’s hardly the same as failing at life. 

Lost your luggage at the airport? The fashion police seized it because your sense of style was probably a public hazard. 

Your students think you are a boring teacher? It’s fine. Their parents don’t get paid to hear their criticisms of their upbringing, so they send them to a much more qualified individual.

You’ve come to the end of your favorite blog’s post of the day? All good things must come to an end so they can begin anew another day. 

Worst Analogy Ever? Life Is Like A Subway Sandwich. (5 Minute Read).

Worst Analogy Ever? Life Is Like A Subway Sandwich. (5 Minute Read).

Over the years I’ve tried various Subway sandwiches with a multitude of combinations of toppings and dressings, just to find the perfect sandwich. If we imagine our lives to be sandwiches being prepared and each sandwich is a new stage in our lives, then the toppings and dressings are the chosen circumstances, situations and people we allow to hop along for the ride. 

The most favorite sandwhich, based on my observations, is the Chicken Teriyaki. It’s juicy chicken with a slightly sweet taste. It’s a great selection, almost like the new phase you’ve embarked on. People love the Parmesan bread, but it’s always a bit hard and crusty. It’s similar to your personality, soft and cheesy on the inside, hard and seasoned on the outside. So we have a juicy main selection on a hard bread to which people let the sandwich artists pile on lettuce. Putting lettuce on a sandwich is always a great choice. It’s fresh, crunchy and very well behaved in your creation. Lettuce is like your best friends and closest family members who know you best. Then you choose the tomato slices. They are large and healthy for you, but also juicy. They go on top your lettuce and chicken. The tomatoes represent the elders and advisors you trust and turn to for help. The juicyness is their influence on your life. Next come the cucumber slices. Hard, cool but completely useless and tasteless in any sandwhich. They are the acquaintances you have around you. You know they are there, but they make no difference to your life. You are then offered sweet peppers. Who eats raw sweet peppers? They are best suited for pizzas, gyros and fried rice when cooked. Sweet peppers are your failed romantic relationships. Bulky, unnecessary, raw and bound to be the first thing to fall out your sandwich. They are followed by pickles. They are the old fears and problems you have not dealt with, but which remain on your mind constantly. Sour, salty, shriveled and cold, they interfere with the flavor of the other things in the sandwich. Next come the onions. They come in different sliced sizes, you get just a few and are tempting to the taste buds. They represent the adventures and fun activities in your life. By now you realise your sandwich is stuffed, but you have extras; pineapple chucks, olives and jalapeños. The pineapple is your ambition. Sweet, juicy and strong. The olives are your dark side. Subtle but weird and unnecessary. Jalapeño peppers! Nice small flavourful slices. They represent your current relationships; hot and spicy. 

Then you have to choose the dressings. Ketchup is always a must. It’s your ability to be liked by everyone everywhere you go. The pepper is also a good choice. It’s your determined spirit and fire to succeed. The mayonnaise makes everything taste good, but is unhealthy unfortunately. It is like your vices. You should learn to cut back. Next is garlic sauce. Watery but flavourful, it’s never truly distinguished in the sandwich when it’s being eaten. It’s like the small victories you make in your phase but which are still insignificant compared to the goal at hand.People love the shaddon beni sauce. It’s too weak in flavour though and adds too much wetness to the sandwhich. This is your failures and how you handle them. They can ruin the sandwich if you let them run amok.

The people who pile on all the toppings and dressings always complain how big, sloppy, messy and wet the sub is when it’s finished. They should be reminded that they chose all the things that went into the sandwich so they themselves are the ones to blame for the mess. 

Truly it is my belief that some toppings and dressings were meant to go with some sandwiches. For example, the bbq sauce will go with the bbq pork, the olive oil will be nice with a salad and the cheese slices are best left for the sausage subs. Who puts cheese on chicken? 

So no matter your phase in life remember to mix and match until you find the right combination. It’s a mess when you try to pile everything on yourself all at once! Your life, like the sub, should be a work of art at the end, not a disappointment you wished you didn’t spend your money on. 

And a note about double meats; take your phases one at a time. Don’t try to conquer your dreams all at once. I once saw a guy try a foot long double meat subway melt sandwich. He could not keep it all down! 

Valentine’s Day Post. (30 seconds read). 

Valentine’s Day Post. (30 seconds read). 

If you are happily in love, falling in love or still looking for love then have a great day. 

If your love is parental, selfless or unconditional, then all the best to you and the ones who are the objects of your affection.

If you have lost love whether by your own devices, another’s or pure circumstance, then do not regret, but seek it out once again in earnest.

And, for those of you who want absolutely nothing to do with commercial confessions of love, public displays of affection and every red thing under the sun today, move to Islamabad, Pakistan. They have banned Valentines Day. 

Parodying Trump Out Of Office. (1 Minute Read).

Parodying Trump Out Of Office. (1 Minute Read).

Yes, you read right. If US President Donald Trump is as thin skinned, insecure and narcissistic as he is fickle, then the American people don’t need mass protests, indictment proceedings or legal battles to put pressure on him. All they need is a powerful PR campaign parodying every single mistake, misstep and mishap to stumble out of the White House. 

It has already been proven that the President enjoys looking at television; Fox News reports are his daily briefings. If something is aired that irks him, he will immediately react with a tweet about it. So basically the world can speak to Trump through the television. This is simply mind blowing. Then again it isn’t surprising, since the man worked in television for years and is a huge fan of reality TV. If Trump is hooked on television like a 7-year-old on a Saturday morning, then he can be easily influenced more than you might have thought. 
The hilarious work of Melissa Mc Cathy on SNL portraying White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer caught Trump’s eye and he took a second look at Spicer’s performance in his role. It was that simple; a few gags based on real events, a couple hours in make up and prime time television. Next, you might see a mop doing a parody of Kelly Ann Conways’s ‘Alternative Facts’ gaffe, or a blank page portraying Education Secretary Betsy De Vos. That would be eerily close to the real thing. Just imagine the reaction Trump would have if he saw the way people see him and his team in reality. And since it’s on television it must be true right? 

No longer do people have to mail or email letters to the President. An adoring supporter can concoct a Hooters or Axe style commercials for Trump or a death threat can now be a Michelle Obama 2020 campaign ad. World leaders can enter a televised pageant contest where they get to tell Trump about their respective beautiful countries and why he should not ban, wall or nuke em.

Trump’s White House reality show is getting low ratings and is now the laughing stock of the world. Will the President adapt to what he is seeing and what he will be seeing on the television? Will he base his policies and selections on parodies and witty commentary? Or will the White House staff be forced take television time away from him? Whatever the outcome, a sustained comedic PR campaign on his leadership may be the thing that makes the world smile in the face of impending peril.

Bank Line Time: Be Productive Even If You Aren’t Getting Rich. (1 Minute Read).

Bank Line Time: Be Productive Even If You Aren’t Getting Rich. (1 Minute Read).

Before you say ‘Ever heard of online banking?’, let me say you will always have to face a bank line to dp your business despite all the electronic advancements in the financial sector. We all hate waiting in that bank line. Depending on your bank’s customer service efficiency you can be stuck in the line for close to an hour. That’s one hour wasted standing around waiting to pay bills. Most people just meekly shuffle along in the slow file toward the tellers, others strike up conversations and some play games on their phones.

As the seconds tick away slowly and your feet begin to pain, you begin to wish everyone else in the line would disappear. Don’t feel badly. They are thinking the same thing about you. So instead of thinking about mass vanishing acts, find something productive to do in the line. 

Make your to do list for the day or the week, plan lunch or dinner by Googling a new recipe, draft or send a text message to an old friend, read an inspirational blog article on your phone, write a blog entry, close your eyes and meditate or pray or plan a bank heist by analyzing the bank security. 

You can make bank line time valuable ‘you’ time instead of enduring it as an arduous task. What you do may not increase your bank account balance, but you will have added value and worth to yourself. 

Alternative Facts: Donald’s Trump Card.

Alternative Facts: Donald’s Trump Card.

Counselor to the US President Kellyanne Conway has to be credited for perhaps creating the first new phrase of 2017; Alternative Facts. It’s certainly the most constructive thing to be done by anyone in Donald Trump’s administration since his inauguration on Friday. In a world where the Oxford English Dictionary added roughly 500 new words to the English vocabulary in December 2016, we have to be able to keep up with the newest trends in language, so we will not be lost and confused by what high ranking US officials say to us in their official capacity.

What exactly are Alternative Facts? Well, if we understood Ms. Conway correctly, they are supposed to be the ‘other more acceptable truths which only exist in Trump’s head’. Another interpretation could be ‘what Donald Trump wants you to believe because your senses are in collusion with mainstream media’.

You could tell Ms. Conway had second thoughts about uttering the words ‘Alternative Facts’ and would have been sternly reprimanded by President Trump for her rash statement. After all, it is the President of the country who is supposed to reveal to the American nation how he intends to ‘Make America Great Again’. He probably intends to make an Alternative America where there is no need for fact checking, images from seven years ago no longer exist, no one counts the crowd size at his inauguration, but it can still be quantified period, and the weather changes to sunny only when he speaks.

The term Alternative Facts provides insight into how the Trump Administration really deals with reality; it wishes there were alternatives, and lots of them. If we were to imagine the White House right at this moment, reality is blocked from getting inside by the white walls of the building. Inside, White House staffers and administration officials are talking and thinking in terms of Alternative Facts, Alternative Issues, Alternative Strategies and Alternative Decisions.

We can expect the war between reality and ‘the Alternative Facts’ to rage on for the rest of this administration’s life. Alternative Facts will continue to be used by President Trump to stifle the truth, explain away mistakes and missteps and lay the foundations for poor policies. And, it’s simply brilliant. Alternative Facts can be shown to be false, but they are most likely supported by Alternative Proof. Even if the proof is shown to be misleading, they are supported by Alternative Thinking People, who work and live in the now Alternative White House.