“I train hard every day at the gym, but I’m still not losing weight.”- Rewarding yourself with cake for gyming every day, isn’t a good idea.
“Why did I fall for that April Fool’s Day joke?”- It’s better to be fooled on April 1st, than the other days of the year, when you don’t have an excuse for being easily duped.
“My wallet won’t close, because I have too much money in it.”- People with this problem are called taxi drivers and doubles vendors. If you are neither, you simply have too many coins in your wallet.
“A girl said ‘Netflix and Chill’ to me and when I replied ‘Sherlock’, she never spoke to me again.”- You vs. Benedict Cumberbatch. No science of deduction needed there.
“My goal was obviously onside.”- Was your linesman a Jamaican?
“He accuses me of being unfaithful.”- He probably got his information from here : ‘Dem Does Horn’ Bad Thing Part 4. https://youtu.be/9g-vlNWRaac
“She told everyone I cheated on her!”- The CD guy sold her a disc with this song on it : ‘Danger- Man Does Horn Too.’ https://youtu.be/yidoBeaYaEM